I need to stop coming to work sober
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
