Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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