I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
