Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
