she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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