My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
