i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
