I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Randomize
