Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
