I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
