Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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