I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
