thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
