sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
