Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
