god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He passed out mid-signature
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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