a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Randomize
