My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
