@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power