someone threw a dead crab at me
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...