I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND