I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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