dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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