Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
