I wish I could teleport
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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