Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
