It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
