He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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