Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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