If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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