The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
