I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
