Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
