So drunk its hurt
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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