Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The air was thick with penises
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
