this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
