i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
