i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
