hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
