Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The dick lei will go down in squad history
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
