I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
