even my farts smell like vagina
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
