you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
