I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
