I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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