Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
