PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
