We need to rekindle our bromance
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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