ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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