the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
