I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
