I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
