doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
