Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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