when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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