1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Randomize
