You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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