my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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