nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Randomize
