I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
